Friday, May 6, 2011

Bada Bing Bin Laden

Not only did the Navy Seals force Bin Laden to go hunt up an ophthalmologist in his after-life (good luck finding anyone named Cohen, Schwartz or Rosenberg in his address book), but the treasure trove of information, both personal and tactical, discovered in his bedroom demonstrates how the world’s most hunted 6’4” dialysis patient could stay concealed for so many years in a garrison town full of ex-Army officers. While much of the hard intelligence will remain classified until the Pentagon rehires all of the qualified gay Arabic speakers given the boot over the last decade, Waki-leaks, through the assistance of Rosetta Stone language DVD’s, has begun to disseminate onto the web selected bits and pieces of Bin Laden's day to day activities.

He worked the graveyard shift at one of the many Abbottabad call centers set up over the last decade by US companies to better implement American workers’ understandings of the benefits of globalization. Bin Laden’s moniker among his fellow employees was Hiram from Kentucky, because of his penchant for beginning each day with a Tequila shooter and a Wild Turkey chaser. Records now reveal his specialty was assisting callers using dial-up services and DOS operating drives. Reprimanded several times for both running bookie rings on cricket matches and sexually harassing rattan furniture not fully clothed in wool, Bin Laden still made employee of the month thirty times in the six years he worked there. He signed off each of his calls with “Death to the Infidels. Have a nice day.” With women callers it was simply, “Are you married?”

While the released video is as grainy as an early cut of "Blair Witch," it appears that at the time of his death he was standing at a table clipping out Groupon coupons for a variety of Middle Eastern restaurants such as Pita in Your Pocket and Souvlaki on the Run, while swaying to Judas Priest’s Living After Midnight, which this time around, he barely did. This is all rather shocking as both of these fast food chains have had disastrous reviews as of late in Zagats, many reviewers calling both establishments ptomaine traps fit only for Bin Laden. Sadly his classic Walkman was also blown to bits.

Further examination of the bedroom reveals that right above his futon were several Twilight Posters covered with large red heart stickers and a stained but laminated 3 by 5 foot picture of Pamela Anderson. To the right side, on a poorly constructed IKEA shelf, was a Flint vs Zartan Diorama collectible along with a complete box set of original G-I Joes from the late 60s. Strangely, he had kept as mementos a number of his name tags from prior attendances at Comic Con where he walked the halls under the alias “Truck Speedtrap.”

A book about cave art, Unique Creations: Death be upon all Infidels, lay nearby. Downloaded from the Internet, this small but highly influential pamphlet is part of the growing projectile vomiting art movement. In Bin Laden’s case, his foods of choice that evening were saffron pilaf, chickpeas, and baba ghanoush. One cannot tell how successful he was as a budding artist as loose runny brain matter obscures much of his impressionist work, turning the words “death” into “earth” and infidels into “infield.”

Who would have thought that the world’s greatest terrorist wore bunny slippers to bed or had in his possession old pirated VHS copies of Green Acres and My Mother the Car, or was a major collector of homo-erotic prison films? Scattered around the room were half inch tapes of Bronson, Short Eyes, God Has a Rap Sheet, Kiss of the Spider Woman, and Midnight Express. Unfortunately in the ensuing fire fight, the Seals shot up possibly the last working 8 track and VCR player in Asia.

Next to his grandfather clock on the far wall were a set of opened jewel cases for Sweaty Sheep of Tora Bora and Mammaries of the Himalayas. No reference to either movie appears on IMDB so perhaps these were simply their Bangkok titles. Reports that he had on his bed a mix tape featuring the Bangles, Squeeze, Cat Stevens, Connie Stevens, Craig Stevens, Connie Francis, and Lou Christy cannot be confirmed at this time.

The most surprising find is Bin Laden’s actual Bucket List carved into the bucket he kept by his bed. His well known phobia towards flush toilets can now be confirmed. While much of what was written on various scraps of paper are still being cleansed and analyzed by a team of fecal throwing monkeys, here is what we know so far. Even with a bunch of wives, the man had needs far beyond that of a working kidney. Listed in no specific order of importance because pulling piles of shit out of a wooden bucket becomes a random exercise at best.


• Kill that snot nosed infidel Achmed for making fun of my name at the Madrassa. I am not Been Laiden lately Osama. Laiden isn’t even a word, you dumb poopy head.

• Must apply to be contestant on Dancing with the Stars. Partner with that hot Chador from Tora Bora with the WTF fear in her eyes. Her every move made my pants samba by themselves. Wonder if still alive.

• Be on Cops and ride around with those burly male New Orleans police officers. Yell out to felons while beating them, “Book em Dano.”

• Kidnap Jerry Springer and create show where all my wives, mistresses, and kids scratch each other’s eyes out. Must kidnap audience as well.

• Deep sea fish off the Arabian Coast.

• Get GED.

• Do both Thelma and Louise.

• Guest host on Fox and Friends and hit on all the blond non-believers.

• Learn how to make a brisket.

• Find someone who wants to trade working kidney for high strength marijuana.

• Get invited to red carpet of any movie featuring Channing Tatum or Jason Momoa.

• Find out what poking means on FACEBOOK.

• Wear Red Socks tee shirt at a Yankees Game. Boo Jeter.

• Be an annoying stringer for TMZ.

• Lecture high schoolers in the South and Midwest on abstinence.

• Blog on the Huffington Post, but ask for gelt.

• Party with Charlie Sheen; dress up as warlock.

• Meet my favorite rapper: Vanilla Ice.

• Drive a Winnebago with trailer hitch testicles.

• Fight THE ROCK in the squared circle; wrestle under the alias “Circus Strassburger.”

• Do musical dinner theatre in Iowa especially Bye Bye Birdie or Cats.

• Speak to Steve Jobs about his GPS tracking devices.

• Watch what doctors really do during a colonoscopy.

• Get into a bar fight with Hooter girls.

• Take a boatload of Viagra and then get on Chat Roulette.

• Perform at the Laugh Factory using old Henny Youngman jokes. “Take my sheep, please.”

• Hit on Harvard girls with a line like: “I guarantee you’ve never seen anything this size in camel hair before.

• Enter my prize shiatsu in the Westminster Kennel Show.

• Improve abs using the Paul Ryan (R-Wis) exercise tape.

• Follow John Wesley Powell’s journey down the Grand Canyon but blindfolded.

• Pen my multicultural children’s book, Infidels Are Just Like Everyone Else Except Cursed. Try to find words that rhyme with “death,” “camels,” and “Tora Bora” other than Hora.

• Sit in a vintage GTO at Zuma Beach while watching submarine races with Ayman al-Zawahiri daughter from his fifth wife. Need to create excuse why I would be with her in the backseat without a male chaperon.

• Pitch my version of the Crusades to Bruckheimer. Must remember to find Jewish agent.

• Go leafing in New England.

• Start a book club. First books on list: The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged.

• Walk the Appalachian Trail with wife number two of Ramzi bin al-Shibh.

Just in. Another White House version of how Bin Laden was located and killed. In this update, Bin Laden was still so angry at the American Idol booting of Pia Toscano, that he was, at the time of his death, working his thumbs texting messages to Randy Jackson to get the popular vote rescinded. The answer came back, “Dawg, you're in the zone now!”


  1. Haha, well it's a good thing we got him. I heard (on FOX news) that his death is expected to generate 3 million jobs in the next year!
    Also, his body has radiation absorption properties, and is currently neutralizing excess radiation in Fukushima. Oh yeah, and his beard was used to soak up oil in the gulf...

    Hey Sidney, this is Joe. Levity aside, I wanted to express my gratitude for the musical equipment. Making music is my greatest passion, and you've contributed to that. Thank-you!

  2. Hey Sidney, this is your cousin Harvey Garfield

    Big thumbs up to this website- it's excellent!!!.

    Should we meet up for a drink sometime in UK/US